New Book – The Scorpion and Caterpillar

Tarik’s mom, Ginny Toukan, has published a new children’s book, “The Tale of the Scorpion and the Caterpillar.”  Imagine two such unlikely characters learning about each other and then the transformation of “death” as the caterpillar morphs into a butterfly. For more about Ginny and her son Tarik, check out her website www.scorpionandcaterpillar.com.  This creative book is one way Ginny has found to honor Tarik’s memory and transform her own grief.

Can’t wait to get my own copy; should be here in a day or so! Ginny, best of luck with your beautiful book!

Hugs,  Barbara

If you live it, they will find you!

Recently I did my annual trek to the wonderful little town of Yellow Springs, Ohio.  Just outside Dayton the main street looks like Sheriff Taylor and his son Opie live there.  Sheriff Taylor would no doubt be proud of the municipal building that houses the police and water departments along with a large community gym.  Every year my favorite yoga teacher, Judith Lasater, comes to infuse us with new wisdom.  Judith practices what I call “big yoga” on and off the mat – it isn’t merely about the poses but how we are in the world.

So it is a love fest of sorts as we gather, many returning over and over integrating with first-timers who come to see what she is all about.  We bring our own props.  If you know anything about yoga, this is a major deal.  Bolsters, wool blankets, blocks, straps, eye pillows, mats… the list grows every year.  As we were making sense out of 80 students jockeying “stuff” and filling every inch of the huge gym, a familiar face popped up.  Not 3 feet away was Valerie!  She had moved to Ohio a few years back and dropped off my radar.  We were quickly introduced to her traveling companions and agreed to meet for that night for dinner.

For a small town Yellow Springs has great food options!  Gathered over Peruvian appetizers and entrees, we yakked away about yoga getting to know each other and just having a great time.  Preparing to head back to our respective nooks for the night, Val asked me what was new.  I briefly mentioned I was writing a book for parents whose children have died from the disease of addiction.  Every one settled back down in their chairs.  I didn’t understand what was happening.  The silence was loud – as it can be at such times.

Tears sprang up in the eyes of the sweet woman across from me.  MariBeth has this soulful face with a beautiful smile that seems to live perpetually on her lips.  Without apology, she was just staring at me as tears dropped from her face.  The woman to my left, ultra slender with life weary eyes, was looking down, jaw clenched, hands twisting her napkin.  Yikes – did I step into a rattlers’ nest?

“Well,” I thought, “that was a show stopper!” Judi had traveled with me from home and knows my story.  Then MariBeth began to tell about the recent death of her manager’s son.  Struggling with the disease of addiction, the 24 year old died in a car accident. The whole office was distressed. They held this woman tenderly and were not sure how to help her.  She began asking questions.

Never one to hesitate giving an opinion, I answered them as quickly as they came.  This turned into a quiet and powerful conversation amongst the five of us – how to be present to someone in deep emotional turmoil.  Tired yet feeling bonded, we stood once again to leave.  As the others turned away from the table, Beverly pulled me aside.  “Thank you.”   She had tears in her eyes.  Outside away from the others she told me that her son has this disease.  She has been fearful of telling anyone – shame, guilt, rage, fear – all the things we feel when we can’t help or seem to “control” this disease.  She was surprised to hear me speak so openly about my son and the wonderful group of parents I’m connected with.  Asking for my card, she told me, “You’ve given me hope.”

Since returning from Yellow Springs, I’ve heard from both mothers; sent wristbands for their respective families.  What are the odds that I travel to a town whose population visibly swells when 80 yogis show up and just happen to meet two people with such stories?  Sadly it is far too easy. Take a chance… share a window of your reality.  There is nothing to lose… you’ve already experienced the worst.  Give someone hope and a little love.

Hugs of gratitude, Barbara

Writing Your Own Book?

How hard can it be to write about your own life?  Do you have this idea?  I’ve journaled most of my life – handwritten scribbles and neatly typed logs.  When Carla Moore innocently asked me if I had written a book at the Oklahoma conference for TCF, I was stunned.  My husband, Tom, had been urging me to do so for some time.  Writing privately for my own memories was one thing.  As I looked around the room at the tear stained faces nodding encouragement, I began to think maybe I could do this.  Maybe I should do this.

Sitting on the floor of Barnes & Noble books piled around me I realized that I was not just doing something autobiographical but specifically a memoir.  Wow, that sounded pretty fancy!  I came home with:

• Writing About Your Life: A Journey into the Past, by William Zinsser

• The Autobiographer’s Handbook: The 826 National guide to Writing Your Memoir, edited by Jennifer Traig
• The Memoir Book by Patti Miller

Nearby also sits my thesaurus and dictionary.  The more I read the more daunting the task seemed.  Meantime I knew others were writing to be published and I started feeling like I was in a race.  I flip flopped like a fish newly landed in the bottom of Jim’s canoe.  Mentally slapping myself into sanity, I realized there is no race.  When it gets done, it gets done.  There is no competition.  Very few books written by parents whose children have died of this disease have been published.

Most recently we have Pamela Palmer Mutino’s Swish:  Maria in the Mourning.  Based on her play, the book gives readers a sense of the emotionality described by those who’ve seen the play or clips on uTube.

Helen Dement is nearing completion of her book about her beautiful daughter Melanie’s battle with alcoholism. Mel’s struggle lasted 20 years.   Currently in Africa on a mission to aid children, stay tuned for an update from Helen.

Another bereaved parent and dear friend, Chuck Collins, recently completed and published his book, “Holding Onto Love:  Searching for Hope When a Child Dies”. This is an “everything you might want to consider when a child dies” kind of book.  Chuck’s daughter died from a rapid onset of disease unrelated to substances.  His experience as a TCF Chapter Leader/Regional Coordinator, former police chief and attorney makes this an excellent book to gift any parent struggling with the loss of a child. And, all proceeds after expenses go directly to The Compassionate Friends.  Chuck is a blessing in many ways.

There are many books written by recovered/recovering addicts.  My favorite is John Carr’s, The Night of the Gun. The next “recovering addict” book for me to read is High:  Confessions of an International Drug Smuggler, by Brian O’Dea.  Also on my reading pile is The Fix by Michael Massing.  The book is about the state of dealing with the problem of drugs in the US…  Not a flattering profile.

Okay, friends. There are some suggested readings.  Read, read and keep reading; it helps the writing process.  Now I must go teach a yoga class.  Thank goodness for my sanity fix of yoga!

Be well!  Barbara

Hi, I’m Barbara Allen, Author?

On March 19, 2003 my son Jim lost his battle with the disease of addiction.  He died from an overdose of heroin and alcohol.  At 35, he struggled with this disease for 21 years. Our life together is the joyous and abrasive material that grew me up in many ways.  He continues to be my greatest teacher and inspiration.  I’ve been writing “stuff” for as long as I can remember; but writing a whole book?  Perhaps a touch of insanity but here I am… another new beginning.  I’m learning a lot about the dynamics of writing such a deeply personal memoir. For the longest time I didn’t realize this is a memoir – naive?  Sure! Beginner’s Mind is a state of naïveté, a new blank slate.

Speaking at a conference a few years back, I wasn’t sure anyone would want to come together to talk about these kinds of death, much less the struggles that lead to them.  Since then I’ve met so many wonderful parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and siblings – all in pain from the death of a beloved one to this disease.  Many have expressed a desire to write their own stories.

Ours is an experience that is hidden from the general public by shame, fear and deep pain.  I’m writing this book to get our untold stories out there – what we went through, what our children went through, what we learned.  Most of all I’m writing to celebrate the kind, amazing people our children were before and throughout their years of life with this disease.  Many parents have written to tell me their stories and I believe that through sharing, we can get our kids back.

Whether our journey with addiction was brief or unfolded over several decades, there are lessons learned that may help others.  Perhaps the parent now deal with this disease in their own child… perhaps the person struggling with recovery… are there ways to help each other?

Through this blog I will share progress on the book and tips I’m learning about writing a book that might help others with their own book.  Please write in with your feedback and stories.   I’m also doing brief questionnaires for parents and recovering addicts in order to show the common experiences we’ve all had.  Look for a post in the coming days for the links to these.  Thanks to all who have sent pictures and stories. Keep them coming! Every one inspires me and reminds me of the toll this disease takes on heart, body and soul.  Please take good care of your hearts – you matter to the world!

Hugs of gratitude,  Barbara Allen